Jaclyn Beckerman Coaching

So I realize that I haven’t always let the best people into my life.  I’ve talked about this with a few friends recently and with my sister.  I’ve actually renewed a few friendships that had been DOA for awhile. (Thanks God for re-uniting because these folks rock my socks).

I’m really (finally) getting exactly HOW important (!) it is to only let amazing people in my life and to foster those relationships.  I think in the past I’ve definitely started friendships, and even some relationships, with people who I knew from the get-go were superficial, self-absorbed or overly critical or judgmental (which inevitably brings out those qualities more in myself and/or leaves me hurt or disappointed).  There’s always been a part of me that thought, ‘the more the merrier’.  Why not befriend these people?  I now get the why.  Because they bring me down.

In a spiritual sense, they are operating at a lower vibration than I am.  I think Yossi put it well when he said that your vibration averages out.  So if someone is a lower vibration than you, you will bring them up some and they will bring you down some to meet in the middle.  Talk about psychic vampires.  And yes, I know I now have to explain what I mean by that.  James Van Praagh is a medium who wrote the book “Ghosts Among Us”.  It’s a fascinating book about ghosts that exist among us in the human realm as well as in other dimensions.  In it he says the following:

“If there are energy healers, it stands to reason that there are also energy drainers.  Energy suckers are everywhere, and I am not just talking about ghosts.  Is there someone in your life who is constantly depressed, angry about the world, jealous, always in a bad mood, pessimistic, doubtful, power-hungry, mistrustful or manipulating?  I refer to these individuals as ‘psychic vampires’ because they unconsciously drain your life force with their unrelentingly negative attitudes.  Most of them are not even aware that their energy extends beyond them and hurts others along their path.  They can leave you exhausted, depressed, and debilitated.  Psychic vampires usually are self-involved individuals who feel self-important.  Their bad attitudes actually slow down their vibratory rates and attract unevolved ghostly energies.”

In the past, especially as a child and teenager, something frequently attracted me to these people who seemed to constantly have an air of self-importance.  I wanted them to like me.  Perhaps I felt it would mean I was important too. Or maybe I just wanted to have that same sense of what appeared to me to be confidence.  Something I considered myself to lack. Though their confidence likely stemmed more from putting others down than from belief in themselves and their inherent wholeness.  Anyway, this inevitably never ended well and those relationships wouldn’t last. As a child I always just wanted to be loved and to love others and it pained me to try to fit in with people who could often be so cruel. I would try to make myself smaller to fit in with their idea of how people should be and then proceed to feel rejected or like there was something wrong with me when it didn’t work out. It was like trying to take on a persona that was certainly not my own and never felt right.  I really think you could physically see and sense my discomfort.  Over the years this turned into a solid shield around my heart that has taken a long time to melt away (and is still in process).

I can see now that I was just looking to find validation outside of me for what I couldn’t see or own in myself – that I am complete, whole and perfect as I am.  I know that part of owning this involves surrounding myself only with people who will relate to me this way – people who I can gain strength and inspiration from and for whom I can reciprocate this act of generosity.

So I’m making a new commitment to only build and maintain relationships with wonderful people from now on and am looking forward to the difference that will undoubtedly make in my life.

We talked about rackets more tonight. Rackets are essentially a complaint you have which come ball & chain with an automatic way of being around it, payoffs for what you get out of maintaining this racket (essentially ways to avoid responsibility) and what it’s costing you to keep this up (your aliveness).

So here’s one of mine that I distinguished tonight.

My racket is “I don’t feel like it” aka “I don’t want to”. (Sound familiar? Wouldn’t surprise me.)

The impact of this is that I don’t do the things I say I will or want to do (or even better, I’m sneaky and don’t declare them at all so that I don’t have to be held accountable to them) and then don’t get the results I want. So, yea, that pretty much sucks.

Who I get to be about this complaint is irritable, bored, annoyed and/or frustrated (to name a few off the top of my head).

I guess the payoff for this is predominantly that I get to avoid domination (of being busy, of change, of having too much responsibility, it seems of doing anything really, huh?).

This is costing me my vitality, self-expression, accomplishment, and joy!! If I had to pick just one thing I’d say it’s costing me satisfaction.

So.. yea, duh, huge cost! I mean, I don’t know about you but all those things are pretty important to me. As juicy as the payoff is of avoiding domination, and oh it is most definitely juicy, it’s certainly not as great as my personal satisfaction with life!

SO, I’m creating the possibility of being UNREASONABLE!

(Before you think I’m crazy, see my post ‘Time for the gym?” http://wp.me/pLnuP-f for what I mean by unreasonable.

Great line from tonight: “A life of possibility and a reasonable life simply do not fit in the same space.”

It’s REALLY time for me to stop living a reasonable life and actually get my butt in gear.

I thought the previous post describing Sacred Center was getting too long so decided to break off my experience of today into a new post.

In part of today’s message Rev. Gold read a bit from David Whyte’s poem, Sweet Darkness, that I found so beautiful and worth sharing.

You must learn one thing.

The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds

except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet

confinement of your aloneness

to learn that

anything or anyone

that does not bring you alive

you have made too small for you.

I’m going to focus on the last part of this: “Anyone or anything that doesn’t make you come ALIVE, you’ve made too small for you.” Wow. Talk about inspiring.

Now, at first I though she said ‘IS too small for you’, which is different. I’ve always been one to abandon things that don’t (or no longer) make me feel alive and happy. (And since I love ‘getting things right’, I thought: insert victory dance here). There’s obvious potential danger in that of course because with my self diagnosis of chronic ennui, I’ve got a knack for being pretty masterful at avoiding making commitments. So this partly plays into my automatic way of being (which is nothing to throw a party for). As a side note, I’ve made a ton of progress in this area by making bold commitments in the face of my resistance (ie. leading a coach training program, stepping up as a group leader in my Landmark forum seminar…). AND when I DO make a commitment, I’m always 100% all in. Which is why I like to avoid them so stealthily.

Now, looking at that if something or someone doesn’t make me come alive, I’VE MADE them too small for me. That’s interesting. There are many ways to look at that. It could be that I keep choosing people that don’t treat me right or situations that don’t make me come alive – that I’m constantly settling for less than I could have or manifest (probably because some part of me still doesn’t truly believe I deserve the pot of gold). This certainly feels familiar (albeit a bit uncomfortable) and I can see that I do that often enough – especially with people. It could refer to where I squander the possibility of realizing what I’m capable of and who I’m capable of being by making myself smaller to fit in someone else’s box. It could also mean that in my mind I’m making a situation or person smaller than it really is. I’m only seeing one narrow, small perspective or view of them/it that doesn’t show me the jewel or gift available to me which would help me grow and live a bigger life.

What do you see for yourself?

Rev. Gold spoke of recognizing the breakthrough available in every breakdown. (Talk about a coaching concept..) That we need to raise our consciousness above the ‘problems’ that we’re trying to deal with or fix because from that place nothing new will come. Fixing a problem always eventually leads to another problem that needs to be fixed because nothing new ever occurs – and you could spend your entire life fixing problems. You cannot solve problems at the same level of consciousness at which they were created (Einstein). You have to raise your level of consciousness and see the bigger picture, look through your heart (instead of your head) and find the gold the universe is trying to provide you with. She said prayers are always answered when we realize our part in them, because they are answered through us. Not outside of us. We are the doorway (‘between heaven and earth’). So we have to open our eyes and see what’s in front of us otherwise we miss the gifts life has to offer, that are often staring us in the face.

All very thought-provoking. Very inspiring.

After just returning from a 2 week vacation, I’d say this was a great way to start the week…

Happy Sunday,

Jaclyn

God I love this place. I’ve decided it deserves it’s own post.

Sacred Center is a non-denominational church (which the Jew on me insists on calling a spiritual center) based heavily on the teachings of the Tao Te Ching & The Science of Mind. (It’s located at the Church of St Paul & St Andrew on the NE corner of 86th & West End – http://sacredcenterny.org). From their website:

We are a non-religious church that is open to everyone regardless of race, religion, culture or sexual orientation. We teach spirituality, a blend of Western teachings with Eastern philosophies to create the foundation and spiritual practice that has become our life. We are passionate and dedicated to helping you experience the Living God in every area of your life.

Our Teachers are:
* Jesus of Nazareth
* Lao Tsu and the Tao Te Ching
* Ernest Holmes and The Science of Mind
* Charles & Myrtle Fillmore and Unity
* Joel Goldsmith and The Infinite Way
* The mystical stories of the Old & New Testaments
* Bhagavad-Gita – and so many more.

I think it’s akin to Agape in LA if you know of that – I’ve never been to Agape but from what I’ve heard of it they seem well aligned. It’s seriously incredible and they constantly speak of opening your heart and stepping into your own personal path and truth, accepting yourself as you are while taking on your bigness and greatness. I used to go fairly regularly for awhile. I fell off the wagon over the summer and fall but am working on being more consistent again in attending.

Reverend August Gold started the center and is an incredible speaker – she has a fabulous sense of humor and is unendingly inspirational and compassionate while at that same time embracing and sharing her humanity. She’s a gay, Jewish minister. Needless to say I find this quite impressive. I consistently and emphatically endorse her as an incredible spiritual teacher to anyone interested in embracing or enhancing their spirituality in any way.

Being there is such an uplifting experience. Everyone sings and is so joyful and hopeful about life. One of my friends who has always felt repressed and punished by the Christian church (for being who he is) has said that each time he goes to Sacred Center it’s like healing a year of the time (and ensuing bitterness) he was forced to go to Christian church. So if you’re looking for some healing and inspiration, definitely check it out.

Check out the following post for what I took from today’s message.

Well, ‘we’ (meaning myself & all the coaches I affiliate myself with) say it is. And in MANY ways I’ve actually seen the difference my own personal development has made in my relationships to my family members as well as clients and colleagues transformative processes make in theirs.

But I am certainly far from having figured it out yet.

I adore my family – I know they love me unconditionally and always will just as I do them. My parents have given me everything I could have ever asked for – a great home, nice things, lots of vacations, the green light on taking up any new extracurricular activity that caught my fancy, celebrations for any new accomplishment (from report cards, to birthdays to graduations) – and those are just some generalities among many things they’ve provided throughout the years… and of course we always knew (and were told) that we were loved. Yet we constantly push each others buttons and set each other off like detonating little hand grenades. We just can’t seem to help ourselves.

My mom whines or demands something and I revert to an 8 year old child incredulous and angry at how ‘annoying’ or ‘manipulative’ she’s being. My big red button has been pushed. Hard. And that’s just one example. It pretty much happens across the board with family with the various things that set me off. And them too – perhaps a few different buttons though. It’s like there’s no off switch for our automatic responses (and again, those reactions may vary from person to person). And lets be honest, they’re frequently not nice and certainly not ‘transformed’ reactions.

Yet I’ve been able to make vast leaps and bounds in how I react to other people – friends, colleagues, even strangers – when my buttons are pushed.

What do you think it is about families that they’re all somehow dysfunctional even in the best of cases?

Based on some recent books I’ve read – Many Lives, Many Masters (Brian L Weiss) being the most recent – I’d guess it’s because we’re meant to learn lessons from one another (that we wouldn’t otherwise have the opportunity to), to overcome our impatience and indifference towards one another. To realize that we’re not the disconnected secluded islands we pretend to be but actually one big land mass. To have compassion, love and forgiveness for others, recognizing ourselves in them – that we essentially ARE them.

Simple right?

Ha. Obviously easier said than done.

Thus far, and after a recent conversation with my sister, I have come to the conclusion that my journey here on earth (this time around – yes, we both believe in reincarnation) I’m meant to learn patience & trust. I think perhaps, kindness too – not that I’m not loving, but if I’m honest I don’t think I’m always kind. So I’m practicing.

SO – to anyone who I’ve ever been unkind to in any way – I apologize
from the depths of my heart. I would never wish to inflict any sort of hurt or harm on another. Yet I’m sure I’ve unintentionally done just that. I’m just another imperfect person, learning as I go along. If you notice me being unkind, please feel free to reflect it to me. I’m working on it..

Well.. this is my first post on this blog. So hello cyber world. It’s nice to be here.

I have another blog (blogspot): www.jnbcoaching.blogspot.com. It’s more inspirational pieces I’ve written. It’s fallen flat for awhile as I didn’t really feel like I had anything to write about. Ok lets face it, I’m just a bit lazy sometimes. Ok, a lot lazy. Feel free to check it out anyway.

My intention with this shiny new blog is to just post about my life and the journey that I’m on. I do A LOT of transformational work and it has made a PROFOUND difference in my life. I’m a completely different person than I was just a year and a half ago. It sort of makes me wish I had started this sooner but to be frank I really just wasn’t jumping for joy at the idea of pouring my heart out in a way that exposes me so completely. Besides, it’s par for the course for me to have amazing ideas but to not actually get off my tush and do anything about them for undefined periods of time.

Now, and this one’s a shocker, in the past I’ve had some seriously debilitating fears of exposing my true thoughts and feelings to people because I didn’t believe they would accept me if I shared them. Oh, I’m sorry, you say you feel the same way? Welcome to humanity 101. It took me too long to realize that this is how the entire world feels and people are just as afraid of me as I am of them.

So – here’s the nutshell of my world. I’m an ontological life coach. Ontology is the study of being meaning we’re looking at how you’re ‘being’ in the world that has things going the way they are. I’m 25 years old (at least until May 5). I know, I know. You’re thinking she’s so young to be a life coach! What could she possibly know about life? It’s like a broken record how many times I’ve heard that. WELL, quite a bit if you’re interested. But coaching has nothing to do with life experience or knowledge. It’s predominantly provocative questions that have my clients dig deeper to gain insight about what’s really going on for them, where they’re getting in their own way, pointing to blindspots, helping them get perspective and having them find their own answers outside of how ‘life as usual’ tends to go for them. I graduated from one of the best coach training programs in the country (Accomplishment Coaching) and now help lead the program in NYC coaching & training new coaches. Although leading this program can certainly seem arduous at times, it’s absolutely incredible and is constantly and unwaveringly making my life better.

I also recently completed the Landmark Forum. If you do or don’t know what that is, it’s essentially a transformational education. Ontologically based just like my coach training program. I’ll be taking the advanced course in March which I’m really looking forward to.

Anyway, I won’t go into crazy detail about either in this 1st post of mine because I’m certain you’ll hear tons more about it as I post.

I was raised Jewish but never really bought into any religion’s ideologies. To be fair, I never really understood a good amount of what they were saying – partly because half of it was in hebrew and partly because I just wasn’t interested. But I will say I love the cultural traditions of Judaism. Not to say I wouldn’t love to have a Christmas tree someday either (a secret desire I believe most Jews harbor). I definitely consider myself to be spiritual and I’m sure you’ll get that. I’m a work in progress in this area though. I don’t have a set anything I believe in but I do believe in God and love. I believe we’re all one and that our purpose is to learn from one another in order be our best selves & to have an experience of ourselves AS pure love. I on and off go to Sacred Center in NYC which from what I gather is nyc’s version of LA’s Agape – a non denominational spiritual center (called a church but I’ve yet to find comfort in that word) where they talk about opening your heart to love and the gifts the universe has to give you and stepping into your own personal truth. It’s amazing there and soul feeding. They base their teachings on the Tao Te Ching and The Science of Mind (with principles of the law of attraction thrown in there.) I undoubtably love it there.

I LOVE books like Conversations with God, Power of Now, The Four Agreements, The Celestine Prophecy, The Alchemist. A Return to Love, . I’ve also recently read Ghosts Among Us, Many Lives Many Masters, Embraced by the Light. Currently reading Eat Pray Love (Elizabeth Gilbert) and Dark Side of the Light Chasers (Debbie Ford). I’m like a junkie for this stuff. Though admittedly, I CAN BE a slow reader (depending I suppose on how riveting and/or easy to read the book is) and sometimes put books down half way through for an indeterminite – amount of time.

I’m sure there’s more to say about my spiritual quest but I won’t go into it right now – inevitably it will come up later anyway

ANYWAY, I’m planning to just blog about my life. The process(es) I’m going through. What I’m learning and how I’m growing. The new insights I find out about myself. Based on my experience, chances are you’ll learn things about yourself as well along the way. I mean, we are all one after all.

So I hope you’ll join on this journey with me. I really see that this can be a way, just one way, to help change the world. One inspiration at a time. I hope it serves you dearly as I’m sure it will serve me as well.

Love and light,

Jaclyn