Jaclyn Beckerman Coaching

I notice that when I don’t relate to someone as their greatness or their highest self, when I instead see their faults or see them as their fear-based self, that it causes them to relate to me the same way. That is, they then see me as MY fear-based self instead of as the powerful and loving person I know myself capable of being.

This is because the reason I’m relating to them as their fear-based self is because I’m BEING my own fear-based self. I’m getting caught up in my own insecurities about not being good enough or needing their approval or to be liked and am then relating to them from that place.

Now, I know what I just said may have been somewhat wordy and possibly a bit confusing. The core of what I’m saying is that when you are coming from your fears or insecurities, you bring that out in others. And they then relate to you from and as those fears and insecurities.

When you are authentically coming from love and compassion, they will often come from that place as well and will relate to you that way.

Seems pretty simple right? If you always related to everyone from a place of love, you would bring that out in them as well and they would then relate to you as that. Which I’ll assert is the way you want them to relate to you anyway.

You can’t expect someone to relate to you with loving kindness if you don’t relate to them that way. (And ‘acting’ loving and compassionate as a strategy to get them to do the same, on top of your fears and insecurities, doesn’t count. It doesn’t count because it’s not an authentic expression of love if it’s still based out of fear.)

The beauty in this is that it is true not just for your partner or your friends, but for everyone. For that boss you just can’t seem to get along with, for you mother (who you love but likely don’t always relate to from love), to your neighbor who drives you nuts, whoever.

And yes, YOU are the one who has to ‘do all the work’, who has to take responsibility for your relationships. It is never another persons job to change. You lose all of the power you have to transform your relationships and your life by putting it on someone else and saying they should do it for you (or instead of you, or even that they should do it too). Love begets love. You bring it, they’ll produce it too. And even if they don’t, it won’t really matter, because who you’ll be being is love. Your experience of them will still be completely transformed.

Consider also that in relationships that have been heavily fear-based or where coming from love has been weak or absent, you will likely not get instant gratification. It may take some practice and some time. This isn’t a 100% game. You will always have fears show up here and there. But start noticing where you’re coming from with people and how it directly correlates to how they are with you.

When you start to BE the person you want to be with, whatever relationship that is for, they will start to relate to you differently, and your relationship will transform.

Piggybacking on last weeks post, I want to talk more about being with ‘what is’.

The phenomenal power of being in the moment and accepting things as they are.

Now I’m not saying I’m an expert at this.  I’m practicing and learning.  But man is it useful and empowering.

When you start to be with what is, you stop resisting how things aren’t.  And after all, what you resist, persists.

For example, you’re on the phone and a major client decides to stop working with you, in that moment that’s what is.  In the next moment, you are just sitting there working, and that’s what is.  Instead of reacting, throwing all your energy into the upset and losing the rest of your day or week, you can be proactive and productive to create new clients or plan for whatever is next. (This takes PRACTICE.  It may take you more than 10 minutes, 3 hours or a day to get back to the present moment at first.  But keep practicing and you’ll get back to it faster and faster.)

Or say you’re on a date and you really like the person, in that moment, you’re getting to know someone and having a good time.  If you’re measuring them up against some imaginary list you’ve concocted representing the ‘perfect partner’ or losing yourself in your thoughts about whether or not you’re going to marry this person, well then you’re NOT being in the moment with what is.  Every time you notice your mind wandering from the exact current situation you’re in, bring yourself back by reminding yourself that you’re here right now.

Or maybe you had a really awful day at work.  Everything went wrong and you felt like you just couldn’t catch a break.  But now you’re at home.  Well, ‘what is’ is that you’re at home, doing whatever you’re now doing (eating dinner, watching tv, reading a book, spending time with your kids, etc).  If you sit there and stress or complain about your day, you’re now living in the past (yes, even earlier today, in fact even 1 minute ago, is now the past).  Your energy is still at work in your crappy day.  On top of that, you’re now poisoning whatever is going on in this new experience with something that has nothing to do with the present moment.  Work will be there tomorrow and it will be a new day, where you can create a new experience.  Being present in the current moment will help you do that.

Or perhaps you just had an argument with your partner or spouse (or even a friend). But now it’s over.  Yet often you’ll spend hours (for some, days) in anger and resentment before deciding to let it go or make up even though you’re not actually arguing anymore.  It’s funny because often when we have these kinds of arguments, while we’re still arguing, we’ll see the other person’s point of view, and actually get that we’re not completely right (even if they’re not completely right either).  Yet we’re SO committed to being right, that we hold on to our anger, frustration and upset and pretend they’re 100% wrong anyway (another example of resisting being with ‘what is’ since you can in fact see their perspective).  What we could do is to actually share when we see the other person’s point of view (notice that that alone will ease the tension, not just for them but for you too).  This doesn’t have to invalidate your experience or deem your feelings to be inaccurate.  But when you can be understanding of where another person is coming from, you can have compassion for them.  From there, they’ll likely be more receptive to understanding you as well.

Practice actually telling yourself what’s going on in your current reality: “Right now, in this moment, I am ‘_________’.”  For example, ‘Right now, in this moment, I am at home writing a blog entry.’  Or, ‘Right now, in this moment, I am on a date.’  Or, ‘Right now, in this moment, I am playing with my kids.’ Or, ‘Right now, in this moment, I am working on my business plan.’

The more you can be present to what is actually currently happening, the more power and peace you can have.

I was in the elevator yesterday on my way back upstairs from lunch break while serving jury duty.  I had a long ride up so I decided to check out the situation, warmly observing the people around me.

Have you ever noticed how people act when they’re in a crowded elevator?  They couldn’t possibly look more like a bunch of shifty characters.  Eyes averted, bodies turned away from one another, trying their best to avoid any possibility of human interaction, biding their time until they can escape the torture.

Not a single person out of at least 8-10 made eye contact with me.

How funny is this? Or perhaps it’s sad.

Are we really that disconnected from one another that 30 seconds of conversation, eye contact or even simply an acknowledgment of each others existence is that painful?  And of course God forbid it be while trapped in a small enclosed space.

What are we really avoiding everyone for?  What if your soul mate was nestled within one of those dozens of people you avoid interacting with on a daily basis?  Or your new best friend?  Or your next significant mentor, client, or boss?

To be transparent, plenty of the time I’m just as guilty as everyone else of not taking advantage of the opportunity to get related to others. I’m just reflecting on it and realize that chances are, I’m missing out on some amazing opportunities to let people make a difference in my life.  I believe even the smallest interaction can make an impact and I can think of plenty of folks I only had one interaction with that taught me something new which made a lasting and sometimes life altering impression. If we are evolved enough to see the importance of self actualization, learning, and growth, we can pretty safely say that the true test of living from love and our highest self resides within the way we relate to others.

Yet then we avoid others at all costs.

Talk about squandering opportunities.

Awhile back, my sister posted this amazing picture on Facebook of the two of us as children.  I exclaimed to one of my cousin’s how I wish I had pictures like that yet didn’t have a single one. Being the youngest of three (6 years younger than my sister and 10 younger than my brother), my parents had fizzled in their obsessive picture taking (and more importantly saving) habit by the time I was born. (Something I’ve vocally chastised them for in subsequent years).  My cousin said she was sure she had some and would dig them up.  I never pursued this though. Months later I received a birthday card from that same cousin with a surprise in it.  It was a piece of paper folded up that turned out to be a collage of pictures from when we were all little! Such an amazing and thoughtful gift.

Recently, my other cousin (the first one’s sister) was over my apartment for the first time and saw the collage.  She pointed to one of the pictures within it where I was maybe about 5 or 6 or so (?) with a huge smile on my face and my arms thrown around my first cousin’s neck.  She exclaimed, “THAT’s exactly how I remember you!”

The significance for me in this was realizing just how far I’d strayed from that little girl who wanted nothing more than to love and be loved.  I was gifted at over-the-top, whole-hearted, give everything love. I think many people just couldn’t be with this much love and couldn’t handle it. Consequently, I was frequently devastated and heart-broken by it not being consistently received or reciprocated.  They would tell me things like I was too much and needed to calm down or ‘OK, that’s enough!’.  What I made that mean was that there was too much life in me and I needed to make myself smaller to make others comfortable.

As a repercussion for the pain and disappointment I felt emotionally, I made a decision at some point when I was young to instead withhold my love. Replacing it with judgment and cynicism veiled by a mask of friendliness and optimism. I withheld my love in order to avoid disappointment and heartbreak, essentially to protect myself from that terrible feeling. Inevitably this made it very difficult for me to accept it as well. I proceeded to do this for most of my life. In fact it’s really only over the past six months that I’ve had a significant breakthrough in being, sharing, and allowing love.

About six months ago one of the head leaders of the coach training program I help lead, Accomplishment Coaching, reflected to me that her experience of ‘Jaclyn on automatic’ was of no intimacy.  This made a huge impression on me.  Six months later, that same leader’s acknowledgment to me was to thank me for being ‘almost embarrassingly intimate’ and a ‘fierce stand for love’.  When I mentioned the reflection she’d given me six months earlier, she said she’d honestly completely forgotten it because that person no longer existed and it was so far from her current experience of me.

THIS is why I do this work.

Ultimately, I now genuinely understand that as a child my capacity for love was just enormous. This is and was my GIFT. It wasn’t those people’s fault that I didn’t feel it was received or returned from them and they weren’t hurting me on purpose.  They didn’t do anything wrong and they loved me to THEIR best or full capacity, whatever that was at the time. But of course I was only a child (and human) and didn’t understand this.  In fact I don’t believe many adults truly understand this.

It’s only because of this journey, becoming a life coach and being committed to this work and sharing it with the world through Accomplishment Coaching and Landmark and this blog and actually taking what I learn into my life and integrating it through action that I’m able to open my heart again and truly experience loving the people in my life fully.

And God, am I so incredibly grateful.

This story was relayed to me in my Landmark Forum in Action seminar last night.  It really struck me as incredibly insightful and inspiring and I wanted to share it with you.  Please let me know your thoughts in the comments section below!

The Sense of the Goose

In the fall when you see geese heading south for the winter flying in the “V” formation, you might be interested in knowing what science has discovered about why they fly that way. It has been learned that as each bird flaps its wings, it creates uplift for the bird immediately following. By flying in a “V” formation, the whole flock adds at least 71% greater range than if each bird flew on its own.

Lesson: People who are a part of a team and share a common direction get where they are going quicker and easier, because they are going quicker and easier and because they are traveling on the trust of one another.

Whenever a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to go through it alone and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the power of the flock.

Lesson: If we have as much sense as a goose, we will share information with those who are headed the same way we are going.

When the lead goose gets tired, he rotates back in the wing and another goose takes over.

Lesson: It pays to share leadership and take turns doing hard jobs.

The geese honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep their speed.

Lesson: Words of support and inspiration help energize those on the front line, helping them to keep pace in spite of the day-to-day pressures and fatigue.

Finally, when a goose gets sick or is wounded by a gun shot and falls out, two geese fall out of the formation and follow the injured one down to help and protect him. They stay with him until he is either able to fly or until he is dead, and then they launch out with another formation to catch up with their group.

Lesson: If we have the sense of a goose, we will stand by each other when things get rough.

The next time you see a formation of geese, remember: it is a reward, a challenge and a privilege to be contributing to a team!

(Author unknown)

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This seems to have come at the perfect time since in my post yesterday I spoke of only fostering relationships with amazing people from now on.  This story really just reinforces what I’ve already realized: that (for me) being with like-minded people who are raising their vibration (or spiritual consciousness) or doing transformational work inspires me to be bigger, bolder and step further into my leadership.

Conversely, I can see that being with folks who are very judgmental or pessimistic pulls you into their vortex of negativity and drains you.  So again, the message is, surround yourself with those who bring you up, not down!

Being with other leaders who have courageously taken on this kind of work allows me to step up and take on the challenge of learning to lead effectively and as a team part of the time while allowing others to take the lead and supporting them other times.

The bottom line is: the weight of the world does not have to rest on my shoulders alone. Which I think it may seem like sometimes. I have wonderful people I can enroll in supporting me in whatever way I need because they love and care about me – and I get to do the same for them.  These people most definitely challenge and inspire me.  From my leadership team in Accomplishment Coaching, to all my fellow participants in Landmark, to the folks I meet at Sacred Center and Siddha Yoga and the various other spiritual, mental, emotional and physical venues of my life. I have to say, it’s pretty amazing to realize the vast richness of the resources I have and am creating.

So I realize that I haven’t always let the best people into my life.  I’ve talked about this with a few friends recently and with my sister.  I’ve actually renewed a few friendships that had been DOA for awhile. (Thanks God for re-uniting because these folks rock my socks).

I’m really (finally) getting exactly HOW important (!) it is to only let amazing people in my life and to foster those relationships.  I think in the past I’ve definitely started friendships, and even some relationships, with people who I knew from the get-go were superficial, self-absorbed or overly critical or judgmental (which inevitably brings out those qualities more in myself and/or leaves me hurt or disappointed).  There’s always been a part of me that thought, ‘the more the merrier’.  Why not befriend these people?  I now get the why.  Because they bring me down.

In a spiritual sense, they are operating at a lower vibration than I am.  I think Yossi put it well when he said that your vibration averages out.  So if someone is a lower vibration than you, you will bring them up some and they will bring you down some to meet in the middle.  Talk about psychic vampires.  And yes, I know I now have to explain what I mean by that.  James Van Praagh is a medium who wrote the book “Ghosts Among Us”.  It’s a fascinating book about ghosts that exist among us in the human realm as well as in other dimensions.  In it he says the following:

“If there are energy healers, it stands to reason that there are also energy drainers.  Energy suckers are everywhere, and I am not just talking about ghosts.  Is there someone in your life who is constantly depressed, angry about the world, jealous, always in a bad mood, pessimistic, doubtful, power-hungry, mistrustful or manipulating?  I refer to these individuals as ‘psychic vampires’ because they unconsciously drain your life force with their unrelentingly negative attitudes.  Most of them are not even aware that their energy extends beyond them and hurts others along their path.  They can leave you exhausted, depressed, and debilitated.  Psychic vampires usually are self-involved individuals who feel self-important.  Their bad attitudes actually slow down their vibratory rates and attract unevolved ghostly energies.”

In the past, especially as a child and teenager, something frequently attracted me to these people who seemed to constantly have an air of self-importance.  I wanted them to like me.  Perhaps I felt it would mean I was important too. Or maybe I just wanted to have that same sense of what appeared to me to be confidence.  Something I considered myself to lack. Though their confidence likely stemmed more from putting others down than from belief in themselves and their inherent wholeness.  Anyway, this inevitably never ended well and those relationships wouldn’t last. As a child I always just wanted to be loved and to love others and it pained me to try to fit in with people who could often be so cruel. I would try to make myself smaller to fit in with their idea of how people should be and then proceed to feel rejected or like there was something wrong with me when it didn’t work out. It was like trying to take on a persona that was certainly not my own and never felt right.  I really think you could physically see and sense my discomfort.  Over the years this turned into a solid shield around my heart that has taken a long time to melt away (and is still in process).

I can see now that I was just looking to find validation outside of me for what I couldn’t see or own in myself – that I am complete, whole and perfect as I am.  I know that part of owning this involves surrounding myself only with people who will relate to me this way – people who I can gain strength and inspiration from and for whom I can reciprocate this act of generosity.

So I’m making a new commitment to only build and maintain relationships with wonderful people from now on and am looking forward to the difference that will undoubtedly make in my life.

..is to travel.  I don’t really know for how long.  Perhaps for a year or so, perhaps longer?  But I know I want to travel and to write.  At the same time I want to be in an amazing relationship, have some coaching clients as well as passive income and be lit up by what I do.  That’s what I really want.

After a call with my coach today, I realize that up until now this has really only existed for me as a wish or a fantasy.  Something that I so deeply wanted but to me seemed outrageous, frightening, and perhaps a little unrealistic.  The biggest reason is probably that this would cost a lot of money.  Also, I’m not totally confident in my writing skills or if anyone will want to read what I have to say, it certainly seems like it would be harder to meet someone while traveling and I don’t know if people will understand or support my decision to do this.

Yet, the heart wants what the heart wants.  And it would make me happy.  Really, blissfully happy.

It’s not that I haven’t said this before, it’s that I never committed to it before and believed it could happen the way I want.

So the first step is declaring it as something that will be… scary as that might feel.  I don’t have the how figured out.  But that’s how it usually goes in coaching.  Declare now, figure out how to make happen along the way.

So universe, there you go…. do your thing.

Well, ‘we’ (meaning myself & all the coaches I affiliate myself with) say it is. And in MANY ways I’ve actually seen the difference my own personal development has made in my relationships to my family members as well as clients and colleagues transformative processes make in theirs.

But I am certainly far from having figured it out yet.

I adore my family – I know they love me unconditionally and always will just as I do them. My parents have given me everything I could have ever asked for – a great home, nice things, lots of vacations, the green light on taking up any new extracurricular activity that caught my fancy, celebrations for any new accomplishment (from report cards, to birthdays to graduations) – and those are just some generalities among many things they’ve provided throughout the years… and of course we always knew (and were told) that we were loved. Yet we constantly push each others buttons and set each other off like detonating little hand grenades. We just can’t seem to help ourselves.

My mom whines or demands something and I revert to an 8 year old child incredulous and angry at how ‘annoying’ or ‘manipulative’ she’s being. My big red button has been pushed. Hard. And that’s just one example. It pretty much happens across the board with family with the various things that set me off. And them too – perhaps a few different buttons though. It’s like there’s no off switch for our automatic responses (and again, those reactions may vary from person to person). And lets be honest, they’re frequently not nice and certainly not ‘transformed’ reactions.

Yet I’ve been able to make vast leaps and bounds in how I react to other people – friends, colleagues, even strangers – when my buttons are pushed.

What do you think it is about families that they’re all somehow dysfunctional even in the best of cases?

Based on some recent books I’ve read – Many Lives, Many Masters (Brian L Weiss) being the most recent – I’d guess it’s because we’re meant to learn lessons from one another (that we wouldn’t otherwise have the opportunity to), to overcome our impatience and indifference towards one another. To realize that we’re not the disconnected secluded islands we pretend to be but actually one big land mass. To have compassion, love and forgiveness for others, recognizing ourselves in them – that we essentially ARE them.

Simple right?

Ha. Obviously easier said than done.

Thus far, and after a recent conversation with my sister, I have come to the conclusion that my journey here on earth (this time around – yes, we both believe in reincarnation) I’m meant to learn patience & trust. I think perhaps, kindness too – not that I’m not loving, but if I’m honest I don’t think I’m always kind. So I’m practicing.

SO – to anyone who I’ve ever been unkind to in any way – I apologize
from the depths of my heart. I would never wish to inflict any sort of hurt or harm on another. Yet I’m sure I’ve unintentionally done just that. I’m just another imperfect person, learning as I go along. If you notice me being unkind, please feel free to reflect it to me. I’m working on it..