Jaclyn Beckerman Coaching

Hello folks – it’s been awhile, I know.  I apologize for falling off the radar.  It’s been an amazing and very busy summer filled with friends, fun, inspiration and adventure.  As many of you know I’m off to travel the world for a year and a half and my journey essentially begins Sunday.

Here’s the breakdown… I’m driving cross-country for a week with a couple friends, going to a festival in Nevada for a week, CA for a month, Austin, TX for 5 days, then South America for 6 1/2 months.  In South America I’ll be going to Peru, Bolivia, Chile, Argentina, Uruguay, Brazil then in Central America, Panama and Costa Rica.  Then I’ll return to NY/NJ for 2 months to visit friends and family.  Then Africa (South Africa, Zambia, Zimbabwe & Egypt – perhaps more) for 2-3 months and Southeast Asia (India, Thailand, Cambodia, Vietnam & Indonesia) for 6-7 months.  Phew!

I’ll be starting another blog just to update everyone on my life in transit and will note the web address on here for those who are interested and want to follow.

I will still be coaching/working with clients while I travel and I already have the phone issue sorted out.

So why am I sharing this here? Here’s the thing – I’ve had countless people express to me how envious they are of my life.  What I tell them?  If you want it too, do it. The life you live depends solely on the choices you make.  So what DO you want?

The fact that I am now taking on my life’s dream of world travel was NOT predictable 2 years ago.  Before I started coaching and being coached, doing the work to get out of my own way and create a life I love – where my fears don’t run the show – I was slighty uncomfortable going to the movies or dinner alone.  Traveling the world by myself would have been unthinkable.  I’ve always been pretty independent but if you told me this would be my life 2 years ago I would have wistfully laughed and sighed “I wish”.

What I’ve learned is that your life is happening now.  You cannot wait for someone else to hand you the life you want.  Or for it to just fall in your lap.  You will spend your whole life waiting.  You have to commit to creating it and then actually do what you say you’re going to do.  Take the actions there are to take.  Figure out what you want – set a date for by when it will happen and put one foot in front of the other.

If you want world travel, buy an around the world travel guide and start planning.  If you want the relationship of your dreams, play a game with yourself of how many dates you can go on in a week.  If you hate your job, re-vamp your resume and start sending it out today.  It is no one’s responsibility but your own to create the things you want in your life.  No one will do it for you – they’re too busy moaning and groaning about not having the life THEY want.

Stop talking about living a great life and start living it.  The time is always now.  And you are more than capable. Walk the talk.

It blows my mind how many men have been asking me out lately.

Out of the woodworks, guys have been coming up to me and asking me out.

This hasn’t always been the case.  Although men certainly have asked me out plenty in the past this is a pretty noticeable surge.

What I realize is that the more I’ve come to love me, and the more I’ve shown myself to others without caring what they think, the more I seem to be attractive to others without even trying.

Basically, I’ve finally realized that I am a catch.  I am a pretty phenomenal woman and any guy would be lucky to have me.  Not in a stuck up, cocky or conceited way, I finally realize that I am valuable, interesting and perfect just as I am.  This isn’t to say that I don’t have more to learn and further to grow, but that whatever I believe, think or feel is perfectly alright and i can be completely candid about it without worrying I won’t be accepted.

That’s always been one of my things.  Before getting into transformational and higher consciousness work, I was SUCH a people pleaser.  I worried far too much about what people thought of me and was more interested in telling them what I thought they wanted to hear than I was open to telling them what I really thought or felt.

I’ve finally gotten comfortable in my own skin and confident enough to know that whatever I feel, think, or believe is valid and okay.  There is absolutely no reason to pretend to be someone I’m not.

And the end result?  I’m happy.  I keep getting present to being completely and totally satisfied with where I’m at and how my life is going.  Even though I don’t currently have everything I want and haven’t yet gotten where I want to be.  Things are good, and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.  And I’d say that’s pretty fantastic in the grand scheme of how life can go.

I was in the elevator yesterday on my way back upstairs from lunch break while serving jury duty.  I had a long ride up so I decided to check out the situation, warmly observing the people around me.

Have you ever noticed how people act when they’re in a crowded elevator?  They couldn’t possibly look more like a bunch of shifty characters.  Eyes averted, bodies turned away from one another, trying their best to avoid any possibility of human interaction, biding their time until they can escape the torture.

Not a single person out of at least 8-10 made eye contact with me.

How funny is this? Or perhaps it’s sad.

Are we really that disconnected from one another that 30 seconds of conversation, eye contact or even simply an acknowledgment of each others existence is that painful?  And of course God forbid it be while trapped in a small enclosed space.

What are we really avoiding everyone for?  What if your soul mate was nestled within one of those dozens of people you avoid interacting with on a daily basis?  Or your new best friend?  Or your next significant mentor, client, or boss?

To be transparent, plenty of the time I’m just as guilty as everyone else of not taking advantage of the opportunity to get related to others. I’m just reflecting on it and realize that chances are, I’m missing out on some amazing opportunities to let people make a difference in my life.  I believe even the smallest interaction can make an impact and I can think of plenty of folks I only had one interaction with that taught me something new which made a lasting and sometimes life altering impression. If we are evolved enough to see the importance of self actualization, learning, and growth, we can pretty safely say that the true test of living from love and our highest self resides within the way we relate to others.

Yet then we avoid others at all costs.

Talk about squandering opportunities.

My sister (God bless her) nudged me that I hadn’t yet written a post today and needed to get on it. (Said in much kinder, gentler terms, but absolutely needed and appreciated).

If I haven’t mentioned this already, I graduated from, and now lead, one of the best coach training programs in the country.  My apologies if I have and I’m boring you to death with my emphatic endorsement of this company (Accomplishment Coaching).  It meets once a month, Saturday and Sunday, 10am-6pm for the participants, 8am-8pm for us, the leaders.  As such, these weekends are inevitably incredibly intense and rigorous, calling forth your highest and greatest self and blatantly reflecting your survival strategies for getting by.  This is one of those weekends.

I found out today that what I was relating to as my breakthrough in leadership was really just a breakthrough in managing whatever is thrown my way.  You may have already deduced that. You may have not. I for one was thrilled enough with my job managing things that this was most definitely not what I wanted or expected to hear.

Again, leadership takes a lot of willingness to ‘work on it’.

I have NO idea what leadership looks like from a place other than ‘the rules’, ‘managing’, or ‘how’, or even what the hell to do with this idea.  But I do know that it’s the next step for me to have a breakthrough in (and develop) my leadership.

What was reflected to me is that I manage things and follow the rules/instructions (really well) rather than make up my own rules and creatively (and spontaneously) create.  Which, of course, is then what I was invited to practice. So this is what I’m now taking on.

On a somewhat separate (or not) note, I had a breakthrough in my relationship to connecting with others(!).  I realized that I’ve held on (against?) people that in order to prove their friendship to and connect with me, they should succumb to or accept my invitation to be a part of my life via getting together when I propose plans or supporting me in some way or another.  The breakthrough was in realizing exactly how much others are going through in their own lives.  That they don’t (always, or maybe even usually?) have it all together and are juggling a lot of balls in the air.  When I really got present to this, all that I could see or recognize was my complete and utter compassion and love for them.  I suddenly understood that being wrapped up in my own experience, I’d made it all about me.  I wanted THEM to do something WITH or FOR me to prove they loved me.  The ‘kerplunk’ moment was realizing, ‘Oh my God, what can I do FOR THEM?!?!?‘  And actually asking them for what they needed and how I could support them in their lives.

See, what I realized was, that in the bigger sense, all I wanted was connection.  And that I was making connection all about me.  When I was able to get ‘responsible’, or ‘at cause’, for creating connection by connecting TO THEM, instead of waiting for them to connect to me, my mind was blown. I realized I can get the same outcome I’ve been searching for through my own actions, rather than waiting for someone else to ‘get it right’ or ‘figure it out’.  And it’s infinitely more powerful, more connected and more loving.

Talk about a life altering realization… I’m sure my friends will be thrilled.

Well, turns out it’s just being put in to a trance state. Which is what you’re automatically in when you go to sleep and when you wake up, when you’re driving a car or watching TV or a movie.

I went to the NYC chapter International Coaching Federation monthly meeting tonight where Debra Berndt, a well trained hypnosis coach, presented. She told us all about how hypnosis works and taught us some basics for how to use it on ourselves as well as our clients. She took us through a grounding meditation as well as an amazing short hypnosis. We went into a really deep trance and were to repeat new suggestions we had created to reverse our old negative thought patterns and visualize having these new things in the future.. To put it mildly, this was fantastic.

So to further explain the point of hypnosis, you have your conscious mind and your subconscious mind. If what you want is not what you have – it’s because of some negative core belief you hold in your subconscious (usually made up before the age of 9) and the subconscious belief is not changeable at the conscious level. In hypnosis, you go beyond the conscious mind directly to the subconscious where a difference can be made. The actual act of being hypnotized really just involves you going within into (often extreme) relaxation. This allows your subconscious to emerge – from here you can find your true blocks and suggest new beliefs.

Naturally, I’ve subsequently determined that I’m tremendously interested in further learning how to do this and adding hypnosis to my practice as a service I offer. What can I say? I love this stuff.

And yet again, as has been consistently showing up in my world, she also told us how being with those of a higher consciousness or who have what you want will carry you up to their level by the force of a community and bring you those things as well. Sounds like my friend and goose stories, no?

Anyway, I bought one of her hypnosis CD’s on success and will be listening to it. That and have promised to follow up with her about possibly doing an individual session. (She also does past life regressions by the way).

Have you ever been hypnotized before? What was your experience with it?

So I realize that I haven’t always let the best people into my life.  I’ve talked about this with a few friends recently and with my sister.  I’ve actually renewed a few friendships that had been DOA for awhile. (Thanks God for re-uniting because these folks rock my socks).

I’m really (finally) getting exactly HOW important (!) it is to only let amazing people in my life and to foster those relationships.  I think in the past I’ve definitely started friendships, and even some relationships, with people who I knew from the get-go were superficial, self-absorbed or overly critical or judgmental (which inevitably brings out those qualities more in myself and/or leaves me hurt or disappointed).  There’s always been a part of me that thought, ‘the more the merrier’.  Why not befriend these people?  I now get the why.  Because they bring me down.

In a spiritual sense, they are operating at a lower vibration than I am.  I think Yossi put it well when he said that your vibration averages out.  So if someone is a lower vibration than you, you will bring them up some and they will bring you down some to meet in the middle.  Talk about psychic vampires.  And yes, I know I now have to explain what I mean by that.  James Van Praagh is a medium who wrote the book “Ghosts Among Us”.  It’s a fascinating book about ghosts that exist among us in the human realm as well as in other dimensions.  In it he says the following:

“If there are energy healers, it stands to reason that there are also energy drainers.  Energy suckers are everywhere, and I am not just talking about ghosts.  Is there someone in your life who is constantly depressed, angry about the world, jealous, always in a bad mood, pessimistic, doubtful, power-hungry, mistrustful or manipulating?  I refer to these individuals as ‘psychic vampires’ because they unconsciously drain your life force with their unrelentingly negative attitudes.  Most of them are not even aware that their energy extends beyond them and hurts others along their path.  They can leave you exhausted, depressed, and debilitated.  Psychic vampires usually are self-involved individuals who feel self-important.  Their bad attitudes actually slow down their vibratory rates and attract unevolved ghostly energies.”

In the past, especially as a child and teenager, something frequently attracted me to these people who seemed to constantly have an air of self-importance.  I wanted them to like me.  Perhaps I felt it would mean I was important too. Or maybe I just wanted to have that same sense of what appeared to me to be confidence.  Something I considered myself to lack. Though their confidence likely stemmed more from putting others down than from belief in themselves and their inherent wholeness.  Anyway, this inevitably never ended well and those relationships wouldn’t last. As a child I always just wanted to be loved and to love others and it pained me to try to fit in with people who could often be so cruel. I would try to make myself smaller to fit in with their idea of how people should be and then proceed to feel rejected or like there was something wrong with me when it didn’t work out. It was like trying to take on a persona that was certainly not my own and never felt right.  I really think you could physically see and sense my discomfort.  Over the years this turned into a solid shield around my heart that has taken a long time to melt away (and is still in process).

I can see now that I was just looking to find validation outside of me for what I couldn’t see or own in myself – that I am complete, whole and perfect as I am.  I know that part of owning this involves surrounding myself only with people who will relate to me this way – people who I can gain strength and inspiration from and for whom I can reciprocate this act of generosity.

So I’m making a new commitment to only build and maintain relationships with wonderful people from now on and am looking forward to the difference that will undoubtedly make in my life.

..is to travel.  I don’t really know for how long.  Perhaps for a year or so, perhaps longer?  But I know I want to travel and to write.  At the same time I want to be in an amazing relationship, have some coaching clients as well as passive income and be lit up by what I do.  That’s what I really want.

After a call with my coach today, I realize that up until now this has really only existed for me as a wish or a fantasy.  Something that I so deeply wanted but to me seemed outrageous, frightening, and perhaps a little unrealistic.  The biggest reason is probably that this would cost a lot of money.  Also, I’m not totally confident in my writing skills or if anyone will want to read what I have to say, it certainly seems like it would be harder to meet someone while traveling and I don’t know if people will understand or support my decision to do this.

Yet, the heart wants what the heart wants.  And it would make me happy.  Really, blissfully happy.

It’s not that I haven’t said this before, it’s that I never committed to it before and believed it could happen the way I want.

So the first step is declaring it as something that will be… scary as that might feel.  I don’t have the how figured out.  But that’s how it usually goes in coaching.  Declare now, figure out how to make happen along the way.

So universe, there you go…. do your thing.

We talked about rackets more tonight. Rackets are essentially a complaint you have which come ball & chain with an automatic way of being around it, payoffs for what you get out of maintaining this racket (essentially ways to avoid responsibility) and what it’s costing you to keep this up (your aliveness).

So here’s one of mine that I distinguished tonight.

My racket is “I don’t feel like it” aka “I don’t want to”. (Sound familiar? Wouldn’t surprise me.)

The impact of this is that I don’t do the things I say I will or want to do (or even better, I’m sneaky and don’t declare them at all so that I don’t have to be held accountable to them) and then don’t get the results I want. So, yea, that pretty much sucks.

Who I get to be about this complaint is irritable, bored, annoyed and/or frustrated (to name a few off the top of my head).

I guess the payoff for this is predominantly that I get to avoid domination (of being busy, of change, of having too much responsibility, it seems of doing anything really, huh?).

This is costing me my vitality, self-expression, accomplishment, and joy!! If I had to pick just one thing I’d say it’s costing me satisfaction.

So.. yea, duh, huge cost! I mean, I don’t know about you but all those things are pretty important to me. As juicy as the payoff is of avoiding domination, and oh it is most definitely juicy, it’s certainly not as great as my personal satisfaction with life!

SO, I’m creating the possibility of being UNREASONABLE!

(Before you think I’m crazy, see my post ‘Time for the gym?” http://wp.me/pLnuP-f for what I mean by unreasonable.

Great line from tonight: “A life of possibility and a reasonable life simply do not fit in the same space.”

It’s REALLY time for me to stop living a reasonable life and actually get my butt in gear.

I thought the previous post describing Sacred Center was getting too long so decided to break off my experience of today into a new post.

In part of today’s message Rev. Gold read a bit from David Whyte’s poem, Sweet Darkness, that I found so beautiful and worth sharing.

You must learn one thing.

The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds

except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet

confinement of your aloneness

to learn that

anything or anyone

that does not bring you alive

you have made too small for you.

I’m going to focus on the last part of this: “Anyone or anything that doesn’t make you come ALIVE, you’ve made too small for you.” Wow. Talk about inspiring.

Now, at first I though she said ‘IS too small for you’, which is different. I’ve always been one to abandon things that don’t (or no longer) make me feel alive and happy. (And since I love ‘getting things right’, I thought: insert victory dance here). There’s obvious potential danger in that of course because with my self diagnosis of chronic ennui, I’ve got a knack for being pretty masterful at avoiding making commitments. So this partly plays into my automatic way of being (which is nothing to throw a party for). As a side note, I’ve made a ton of progress in this area by making bold commitments in the face of my resistance (ie. leading a coach training program, stepping up as a group leader in my Landmark forum seminar…). AND when I DO make a commitment, I’m always 100% all in. Which is why I like to avoid them so stealthily.

Now, looking at that if something or someone doesn’t make me come alive, I’VE MADE them too small for me. That’s interesting. There are many ways to look at that. It could be that I keep choosing people that don’t treat me right or situations that don’t make me come alive – that I’m constantly settling for less than I could have or manifest (probably because some part of me still doesn’t truly believe I deserve the pot of gold). This certainly feels familiar (albeit a bit uncomfortable) and I can see that I do that often enough – especially with people. It could refer to where I squander the possibility of realizing what I’m capable of and who I’m capable of being by making myself smaller to fit in someone else’s box. It could also mean that in my mind I’m making a situation or person smaller than it really is. I’m only seeing one narrow, small perspective or view of them/it that doesn’t show me the jewel or gift available to me which would help me grow and live a bigger life.

What do you see for yourself?

Rev. Gold spoke of recognizing the breakthrough available in every breakdown. (Talk about a coaching concept..) That we need to raise our consciousness above the ‘problems’ that we’re trying to deal with or fix because from that place nothing new will come. Fixing a problem always eventually leads to another problem that needs to be fixed because nothing new ever occurs – and you could spend your entire life fixing problems. You cannot solve problems at the same level of consciousness at which they were created (Einstein). You have to raise your level of consciousness and see the bigger picture, look through your heart (instead of your head) and find the gold the universe is trying to provide you with. She said prayers are always answered when we realize our part in them, because they are answered through us. Not outside of us. We are the doorway (‘between heaven and earth’). So we have to open our eyes and see what’s in front of us otherwise we miss the gifts life has to offer, that are often staring us in the face.

All very thought-provoking. Very inspiring.

After just returning from a 2 week vacation, I’d say this was a great way to start the week…

Happy Sunday,

Jaclyn

Well, ‘we’ (meaning myself & all the coaches I affiliate myself with) say it is. And in MANY ways I’ve actually seen the difference my own personal development has made in my relationships to my family members as well as clients and colleagues transformative processes make in theirs.

But I am certainly far from having figured it out yet.

I adore my family – I know they love me unconditionally and always will just as I do them. My parents have given me everything I could have ever asked for – a great home, nice things, lots of vacations, the green light on taking up any new extracurricular activity that caught my fancy, celebrations for any new accomplishment (from report cards, to birthdays to graduations) – and those are just some generalities among many things they’ve provided throughout the years… and of course we always knew (and were told) that we were loved. Yet we constantly push each others buttons and set each other off like detonating little hand grenades. We just can’t seem to help ourselves.

My mom whines or demands something and I revert to an 8 year old child incredulous and angry at how ‘annoying’ or ‘manipulative’ she’s being. My big red button has been pushed. Hard. And that’s just one example. It pretty much happens across the board with family with the various things that set me off. And them too – perhaps a few different buttons though. It’s like there’s no off switch for our automatic responses (and again, those reactions may vary from person to person). And lets be honest, they’re frequently not nice and certainly not ‘transformed’ reactions.

Yet I’ve been able to make vast leaps and bounds in how I react to other people – friends, colleagues, even strangers – when my buttons are pushed.

What do you think it is about families that they’re all somehow dysfunctional even in the best of cases?

Based on some recent books I’ve read – Many Lives, Many Masters (Brian L Weiss) being the most recent – I’d guess it’s because we’re meant to learn lessons from one another (that we wouldn’t otherwise have the opportunity to), to overcome our impatience and indifference towards one another. To realize that we’re not the disconnected secluded islands we pretend to be but actually one big land mass. To have compassion, love and forgiveness for others, recognizing ourselves in them – that we essentially ARE them.

Simple right?

Ha. Obviously easier said than done.

Thus far, and after a recent conversation with my sister, I have come to the conclusion that my journey here on earth (this time around – yes, we both believe in reincarnation) I’m meant to learn patience & trust. I think perhaps, kindness too – not that I’m not loving, but if I’m honest I don’t think I’m always kind. So I’m practicing.

SO – to anyone who I’ve ever been unkind to in any way – I apologize
from the depths of my heart. I would never wish to inflict any sort of hurt or harm on another. Yet I’m sure I’ve unintentionally done just that. I’m just another imperfect person, learning as I go along. If you notice me being unkind, please feel free to reflect it to me. I’m working on it..