Jaclyn Beckerman Coaching

My sister (God bless her) nudged me that I hadn’t yet written a post today and needed to get on it. (Said in much kinder, gentler terms, but absolutely needed and appreciated).

If I haven’t mentioned this already, I graduated from, and now lead, one of the best coach training programs in the country.  My apologies if I have and I’m boring you to death with my emphatic endorsement of this company (Accomplishment Coaching).  It meets once a month, Saturday and Sunday, 10am-6pm for the participants, 8am-8pm for us, the leaders.  As such, these weekends are inevitably incredibly intense and rigorous, calling forth your highest and greatest self and blatantly reflecting your survival strategies for getting by.  This is one of those weekends.

I found out today that what I was relating to as my breakthrough in leadership was really just a breakthrough in managing whatever is thrown my way.  You may have already deduced that. You may have not. I for one was thrilled enough with my job managing things that this was most definitely not what I wanted or expected to hear.

Again, leadership takes a lot of willingness to ‘work on it’.

I have NO idea what leadership looks like from a place other than ‘the rules’, ‘managing’, or ‘how’, or even what the hell to do with this idea.  But I do know that it’s the next step for me to have a breakthrough in (and develop) my leadership.

What was reflected to me is that I manage things and follow the rules/instructions (really well) rather than make up my own rules and creatively (and spontaneously) create.  Which, of course, is then what I was invited to practice. So this is what I’m now taking on.

On a somewhat separate (or not) note, I had a breakthrough in my relationship to connecting with others(!).  I realized that I’ve held on (against?) people that in order to prove their friendship to and connect with me, they should succumb to or accept my invitation to be a part of my life via getting together when I propose plans or supporting me in some way or another.  The breakthrough was in realizing exactly how much others are going through in their own lives.  That they don’t (always, or maybe even usually?) have it all together and are juggling a lot of balls in the air.  When I really got present to this, all that I could see or recognize was my complete and utter compassion and love for them.  I suddenly understood that being wrapped up in my own experience, I’d made it all about me.  I wanted THEM to do something WITH or FOR me to prove they loved me.  The ‘kerplunk’ moment was realizing, ‘Oh my God, what can I do FOR THEM?!?!?‘  And actually asking them for what they needed and how I could support them in their lives.

See, what I realized was, that in the bigger sense, all I wanted was connection.  And that I was making connection all about me.  When I was able to get ‘responsible’, or ‘at cause’, for creating connection by connecting TO THEM, instead of waiting for them to connect to me, my mind was blown. I realized I can get the same outcome I’ve been searching for through my own actions, rather than waiting for someone else to ‘get it right’ or ‘figure it out’.  And it’s infinitely more powerful, more connected and more loving.

Talk about a life altering realization… I’m sure my friends will be thrilled.

True.

But it’s also incredibly rewarding.

When you’re part of a team, everyone still has their own stuff going on and lets be honest, most people avoid responsibility like the plague.

Therefore, taking on a leadership position of any sort requires you to really step up and enroll your team in creating something amazing together (whether it’s something that seems large or small).  That’s the magic fairy dust.  What I’ve learned is that a truly great leader does not do everything by themselves!  They create structure, support and enrollment from their team (or the people in their lives) in order to achieve the best results they possibly can.

This opportunity is frequently thrust upon me as a mentor coach in the Accomplishment Coaching coach training program.

When I first took on this position I would consistently hold back from making requests for support. I was incredibly confronted by the idea of relying on others to support me, assuming that I either wouldn’t receive it or that it was my responsibility alone to complete whatever task I took on.

Over six months later, although I’m still constantly learning, I’m actually finding myself making requests easily and being a leader within my team.  Trying out new ways to communicate effectively and achieve common goals by taking action and creating results together.  Trust me, this isn’t always easy.  My automatic response is generally to ask everyone to pitch in a few times, after minimal response give up and just take things on all by myself, handle them, and then be resentful of the fact that no one helped me.  (Talk about being victimized by my team and my assignment).

NOW, I’m finding myself instead choosing to create breakthroughs for myself in leadership and in partnership.  Getting more intentional and creative with structures sufficient to everyone’s resistance.

For example, after various (and mostly fruitless) attempts at getting folks to do some reconnaissance phone calls to identify something we’re looking for for a future weekend, I was close to giving up and doing it all myself (can you hear the small violin playing in the background?). I’d also like to be clear here that I’m not blaming them.  I can take responsibility for that I wasn’t being an effective leader – they didn’t do anything outside of what would be expected of any human beings asked to take on yet another task among the many they already have.

Just short of taking it on myself I stopped myself, realizing that this was not the point of me taking on this task.  The point was to produce the result AND enroll and inspire my team to work together.  After all, I took on this position in order to develop my leadership, not to simply manage whatever was thrown my way.  So, I came up with the idea to have a power hour (pretty much what it sounds like) to make all the phone calls we needed to to spec out some information for a future weekend.  I got everyone aligned with either the same hour or a time they could do it on their own (and be held accountable to me), and poof!, like magic, all the calls were made within the same week and the task is on track to being complete!

I seriously couldn’t be prouder of myself for sticking it out and producing the result with them instead of once again doing it all by myself.  I got to experience myself as an effective leader AND team member at the same time.  Pretty cool stuff…

What are some of your experiences with taking on leadership positions or tasks?  What’s your automatic thing to do when put in this position?  Also what are some things you’ve done or ideas you have for creating enrollment and partnership when working with others??

I’d love to learn from your wins and I’m sure others would too!

So I realize that I haven’t always let the best people into my life.  I’ve talked about this with a few friends recently and with my sister.  I’ve actually renewed a few friendships that had been DOA for awhile. (Thanks God for re-uniting because these folks rock my socks).

I’m really (finally) getting exactly HOW important (!) it is to only let amazing people in my life and to foster those relationships.  I think in the past I’ve definitely started friendships, and even some relationships, with people who I knew from the get-go were superficial, self-absorbed or overly critical or judgmental (which inevitably brings out those qualities more in myself and/or leaves me hurt or disappointed).  There’s always been a part of me that thought, ‘the more the merrier’.  Why not befriend these people?  I now get the why.  Because they bring me down.

In a spiritual sense, they are operating at a lower vibration than I am.  I think Yossi put it well when he said that your vibration averages out.  So if someone is a lower vibration than you, you will bring them up some and they will bring you down some to meet in the middle.  Talk about psychic vampires.  And yes, I know I now have to explain what I mean by that.  James Van Praagh is a medium who wrote the book “Ghosts Among Us”.  It’s a fascinating book about ghosts that exist among us in the human realm as well as in other dimensions.  In it he says the following:

“If there are energy healers, it stands to reason that there are also energy drainers.  Energy suckers are everywhere, and I am not just talking about ghosts.  Is there someone in your life who is constantly depressed, angry about the world, jealous, always in a bad mood, pessimistic, doubtful, power-hungry, mistrustful or manipulating?  I refer to these individuals as ‘psychic vampires’ because they unconsciously drain your life force with their unrelentingly negative attitudes.  Most of them are not even aware that their energy extends beyond them and hurts others along their path.  They can leave you exhausted, depressed, and debilitated.  Psychic vampires usually are self-involved individuals who feel self-important.  Their bad attitudes actually slow down their vibratory rates and attract unevolved ghostly energies.”

In the past, especially as a child and teenager, something frequently attracted me to these people who seemed to constantly have an air of self-importance.  I wanted them to like me.  Perhaps I felt it would mean I was important too. Or maybe I just wanted to have that same sense of what appeared to me to be confidence.  Something I considered myself to lack. Though their confidence likely stemmed more from putting others down than from belief in themselves and their inherent wholeness.  Anyway, this inevitably never ended well and those relationships wouldn’t last. As a child I always just wanted to be loved and to love others and it pained me to try to fit in with people who could often be so cruel. I would try to make myself smaller to fit in with their idea of how people should be and then proceed to feel rejected or like there was something wrong with me when it didn’t work out. It was like trying to take on a persona that was certainly not my own and never felt right.  I really think you could physically see and sense my discomfort.  Over the years this turned into a solid shield around my heart that has taken a long time to melt away (and is still in process).

I can see now that I was just looking to find validation outside of me for what I couldn’t see or own in myself – that I am complete, whole and perfect as I am.  I know that part of owning this involves surrounding myself only with people who will relate to me this way – people who I can gain strength and inspiration from and for whom I can reciprocate this act of generosity.

So I’m making a new commitment to only build and maintain relationships with wonderful people from now on and am looking forward to the difference that will undoubtedly make in my life.

I made a commitment with my coach to sign up for a 5 day trial at a gym near me and to go at least 3 of those days. I’m mostly sharing this for accountability. I did go today. The place was gorgeous and certainly luxe compared to the junky NYSC I keep getting stuck with. It’s The Sports Club LA on 61st between 1st and 2nd. Wow. It’s like the Mercedes Benz of gyms at $175 a month. That’s right, $175 per month. That is a LOT of money to spend on a gym membership. They said they usually charge an $800 (!) initiation fee but have lowered it to $80 until the end of January. Evidently I walked into crazy town.

They say they’re comparable in cost to Equinox. I haven’t been to Equinox so I can’t attest to their price tag but I was under the impression they were cheaper than that. Can anyone speak to this?

Not to say I wouldn’t go here if I could (and if it were closer to me) because it’s beautiful, has a rock climbing wall and holds a zillion classes. But alas I can’t, so instead I’m taking the stand of being incredulous at their audacity to charge so much. Jerks.

On a different note, I have been dragging quite a bit this week. I feel like a sulky teenager choosing to be insolent in the face of things I ‘should’ be doing. Which would actually be pretty normal if I were still the same person I was a year ago but I’ve made so much progress in this area in the past 6 months or so. It feels like reverting. I’ve just been struggling to get back into the swing of things and secretly (well, ok, vocally) wishing I were still in the Caribbean instead. I’m having withdrawal. I suppose I really should be a bit easier on myself. (I’ve always been really hard on myself. I picture it like being the rigid scornful nun that comes to mind when people share stories of hellish catholic school experiences. Except I’m the nun. To myself. Super fun.) I’m just having trouble adjusting back to the pace. (Which is hysterical because I spent close to the first week of vacation bored from having nothing to do – our minds are hilarious that way..)

I think my possibility of being unreasonable that i created in place of ‘not wanting to’ or ‘not feeling like it’ is proving to be grossly inadequate. (Even though the concept does wonders for me – it’s just not cutting it for this particular complaint). So I’m going to try on the possibility of being engaged instead. We’ll see how that one goes..

I did do my first solo coaching workshop last night! The feedback was all really positive so I’m happy. I’ll leave you with a testimonial from one of the women who attended (yay!):

“It was very informative and helpful in creating a feasible plan for all my goals — Jaclyn is great at what she does — after I went home from the workshop I felt more capable, empowered, but mostly excited.”

Well, ‘we’ (meaning myself & all the coaches I affiliate myself with) say it is. And in MANY ways I’ve actually seen the difference my own personal development has made in my relationships to my family members as well as clients and colleagues transformative processes make in theirs.

But I am certainly far from having figured it out yet.

I adore my family – I know they love me unconditionally and always will just as I do them. My parents have given me everything I could have ever asked for – a great home, nice things, lots of vacations, the green light on taking up any new extracurricular activity that caught my fancy, celebrations for any new accomplishment (from report cards, to birthdays to graduations) – and those are just some generalities among many things they’ve provided throughout the years… and of course we always knew (and were told) that we were loved. Yet we constantly push each others buttons and set each other off like detonating little hand grenades. We just can’t seem to help ourselves.

My mom whines or demands something and I revert to an 8 year old child incredulous and angry at how ‘annoying’ or ‘manipulative’ she’s being. My big red button has been pushed. Hard. And that’s just one example. It pretty much happens across the board with family with the various things that set me off. And them too – perhaps a few different buttons though. It’s like there’s no off switch for our automatic responses (and again, those reactions may vary from person to person). And lets be honest, they’re frequently not nice and certainly not ‘transformed’ reactions.

Yet I’ve been able to make vast leaps and bounds in how I react to other people – friends, colleagues, even strangers – when my buttons are pushed.

What do you think it is about families that they’re all somehow dysfunctional even in the best of cases?

Based on some recent books I’ve read – Many Lives, Many Masters (Brian L Weiss) being the most recent – I’d guess it’s because we’re meant to learn lessons from one another (that we wouldn’t otherwise have the opportunity to), to overcome our impatience and indifference towards one another. To realize that we’re not the disconnected secluded islands we pretend to be but actually one big land mass. To have compassion, love and forgiveness for others, recognizing ourselves in them – that we essentially ARE them.

Simple right?

Ha. Obviously easier said than done.

Thus far, and after a recent conversation with my sister, I have come to the conclusion that my journey here on earth (this time around – yes, we both believe in reincarnation) I’m meant to learn patience & trust. I think perhaps, kindness too – not that I’m not loving, but if I’m honest I don’t think I’m always kind. So I’m practicing.

SO – to anyone who I’ve ever been unkind to in any way – I apologize
from the depths of my heart. I would never wish to inflict any sort of hurt or harm on another. Yet I’m sure I’ve unintentionally done just that. I’m just another imperfect person, learning as I go along. If you notice me being unkind, please feel free to reflect it to me. I’m working on it..

Well.. this is my first post on this blog. So hello cyber world. It’s nice to be here.

I have another blog (blogspot): www.jnbcoaching.blogspot.com. It’s more inspirational pieces I’ve written. It’s fallen flat for awhile as I didn’t really feel like I had anything to write about. Ok lets face it, I’m just a bit lazy sometimes. Ok, a lot lazy. Feel free to check it out anyway.

My intention with this shiny new blog is to just post about my life and the journey that I’m on. I do A LOT of transformational work and it has made a PROFOUND difference in my life. I’m a completely different person than I was just a year and a half ago. It sort of makes me wish I had started this sooner but to be frank I really just wasn’t jumping for joy at the idea of pouring my heart out in a way that exposes me so completely. Besides, it’s par for the course for me to have amazing ideas but to not actually get off my tush and do anything about them for undefined periods of time.

Now, and this one’s a shocker, in the past I’ve had some seriously debilitating fears of exposing my true thoughts and feelings to people because I didn’t believe they would accept me if I shared them. Oh, I’m sorry, you say you feel the same way? Welcome to humanity 101. It took me too long to realize that this is how the entire world feels and people are just as afraid of me as I am of them.

So – here’s the nutshell of my world. I’m an ontological life coach. Ontology is the study of being meaning we’re looking at how you’re ‘being’ in the world that has things going the way they are. I’m 25 years old (at least until May 5). I know, I know. You’re thinking she’s so young to be a life coach! What could she possibly know about life? It’s like a broken record how many times I’ve heard that. WELL, quite a bit if you’re interested. But coaching has nothing to do with life experience or knowledge. It’s predominantly provocative questions that have my clients dig deeper to gain insight about what’s really going on for them, where they’re getting in their own way, pointing to blindspots, helping them get perspective and having them find their own answers outside of how ‘life as usual’ tends to go for them. I graduated from one of the best coach training programs in the country (Accomplishment Coaching) and now help lead the program in NYC coaching & training new coaches. Although leading this program can certainly seem arduous at times, it’s absolutely incredible and is constantly and unwaveringly making my life better.

I also recently completed the Landmark Forum. If you do or don’t know what that is, it’s essentially a transformational education. Ontologically based just like my coach training program. I’ll be taking the advanced course in March which I’m really looking forward to.

Anyway, I won’t go into crazy detail about either in this 1st post of mine because I’m certain you’ll hear tons more about it as I post.

I was raised Jewish but never really bought into any religion’s ideologies. To be fair, I never really understood a good amount of what they were saying – partly because half of it was in hebrew and partly because I just wasn’t interested. But I will say I love the cultural traditions of Judaism. Not to say I wouldn’t love to have a Christmas tree someday either (a secret desire I believe most Jews harbor). I definitely consider myself to be spiritual and I’m sure you’ll get that. I’m a work in progress in this area though. I don’t have a set anything I believe in but I do believe in God and love. I believe we’re all one and that our purpose is to learn from one another in order be our best selves & to have an experience of ourselves AS pure love. I on and off go to Sacred Center in NYC which from what I gather is nyc’s version of LA’s Agape – a non denominational spiritual center (called a church but I’ve yet to find comfort in that word) where they talk about opening your heart to love and the gifts the universe has to give you and stepping into your own personal truth. It’s amazing there and soul feeding. They base their teachings on the Tao Te Ching and The Science of Mind (with principles of the law of attraction thrown in there.) I undoubtably love it there.

I LOVE books like Conversations with God, Power of Now, The Four Agreements, The Celestine Prophecy, The Alchemist. A Return to Love, . I’ve also recently read Ghosts Among Us, Many Lives Many Masters, Embraced by the Light. Currently reading Eat Pray Love (Elizabeth Gilbert) and Dark Side of the Light Chasers (Debbie Ford). I’m like a junkie for this stuff. Though admittedly, I CAN BE a slow reader (depending I suppose on how riveting and/or easy to read the book is) and sometimes put books down half way through for an indeterminite – amount of time.

I’m sure there’s more to say about my spiritual quest but I won’t go into it right now – inevitably it will come up later anyway

ANYWAY, I’m planning to just blog about my life. The process(es) I’m going through. What I’m learning and how I’m growing. The new insights I find out about myself. Based on my experience, chances are you’ll learn things about yourself as well along the way. I mean, we are all one after all.

So I hope you’ll join on this journey with me. I really see that this can be a way, just one way, to help change the world. One inspiration at a time. I hope it serves you dearly as I’m sure it will serve me as well.

Love and light,

Jaclyn