Jaclyn Beckerman Coaching

So I’ve realized (with the help of some coaching) that I’ve got a serious layer of protection called “I don’t care/it doesn’t really matter/whatever”.  I use this to numb out to the consequences of not taking the actions I say I’m going to take or to not have to really be committed (with both feet in) to what I claim I’m committed to.

What this covers up is that I really deeply DO care (if I didn’t, I would have stopped talking about it ages ago).  AND I’m convinced that I’ll be devastated and get my heart broken because it inevitably won’t work out.  The ‘it’ could be anywhere from making a difference with people and getting people to stand for world peace to building my coaching practice to creating the relationships I want in all capacities such as romantic, friendships and with family.

The ironic thing is that the impact of this on me is that I end up feeling frustrated irritated, and really disappointed in both myself and others.  There’s also impacts on specific areas of my life like friendships, romantic life, my coaching practice, my family, etc.  And with me being that way I imagine it leaves others feeling left in the dark, disconnected, hurt and confused or even oblivious.

This isn’t how I want to live my life.  And I’m really well practiced at it.

So what I’m up to is thawing this ice that is covering the oasis below.  What I’m committed to is being a contribution everywhere.

Being a contribution doesn’t have to take a lot of effort and isn’t thwarted by not wanting to or feeling like it because it’s a way of being.  And it’s a choice to create or generate that way of being moment-by-moment.

What’s an act or shtick you can see you’re putting on in your own life?  What’s the thing you do to avoid getting hurt? What is that a facade for or what are you hiding from people (and maybe even yourself) that it covers up?  What’s the impact of that on yourself and others?  Actually let yourself really get present to and experience the impact.  Then decide if that’s what you’re committed to or if you want to create something else.

Every moment of every day you have to opportunity to create something different for yourself.  Is today going to be just one more iteration of how it always goes or will you have today be the day that you bring it to a full stop and create something else?  Invent a new perspective on life. Take a new action in line with it.  Tell people you’re giving up the crappy way you were being before and tell them what you’re creating instead.

Watch your life transform.

I notice that when I don’t relate to someone as their greatness or their highest self, when I instead see their faults or see them as their fear-based self, that it causes them to relate to me the same way. That is, they then see me as MY fear-based self instead of as the powerful and loving person I know myself capable of being.

This is because the reason I’m relating to them as their fear-based self is because I’m BEING my own fear-based self. I’m getting caught up in my own insecurities about not being good enough or needing their approval or to be liked and am then relating to them from that place.

Now, I know what I just said may have been somewhat wordy and possibly a bit confusing. The core of what I’m saying is that when you are coming from your fears or insecurities, you bring that out in others. And they then relate to you from and as those fears and insecurities.

When you are authentically coming from love and compassion, they will often come from that place as well and will relate to you that way.

Seems pretty simple right? If you always related to everyone from a place of love, you would bring that out in them as well and they would then relate to you as that. Which I’ll assert is the way you want them to relate to you anyway.

You can’t expect someone to relate to you with loving kindness if you don’t relate to them that way. (And ‘acting’ loving and compassionate as a strategy to get them to do the same, on top of your fears and insecurities, doesn’t count. It doesn’t count because it’s not an authentic expression of love if it’s still based out of fear.)

The beauty in this is that it is true not just for your partner or your friends, but for everyone. For that boss you just can’t seem to get along with, for you mother (who you love but likely don’t always relate to from love), to your neighbor who drives you nuts, whoever.

And yes, YOU are the one who has to ‘do all the work’, who has to take responsibility for your relationships. It is never another persons job to change. You lose all of the power you have to transform your relationships and your life by putting it on someone else and saying they should do it for you (or instead of you, or even that they should do it too). Love begets love. You bring it, they’ll produce it too. And even if they don’t, it won’t really matter, because who you’ll be being is love. Your experience of them will still be completely transformed.

Consider also that in relationships that have been heavily fear-based or where coming from love has been weak or absent, you will likely not get instant gratification. It may take some practice and some time. This isn’t a 100% game. You will always have fears show up here and there. But start noticing where you’re coming from with people and how it directly correlates to how they are with you.

When you start to BE the person you want to be with, whatever relationship that is for, they will start to relate to you differently, and your relationship will transform.

So I apologize I didn’t post last week.  I got caught up in some busyness.

Ok, that’s a lie.  To be honest, my body was taken over by “I don’t feel like it”.

I notice that “I don’t feel like it” sometimes does a hostile takeover and runs the show.  I guess it’s to be expected since I’ve definitely stubbornly lived life from that place in the past.  So it can’t be very happy that I’ve started to disengage from it and pay it less attention.  Yet although I’ve had huge breakthroughs around it in the past year (in fact, especially in the past 6 or 7 months), that doesn’t mean it goes away.

That’s the thing with our “stuff” .  Even when you transform it in a huge way and completely alter your relationship to it, that doesn’t mean it’s forever gone.  It just means that you’re more adept at recognizing it and not allowing it to take the wheel and control you. (Even though that may still happen sometimes – it will happen less and less the more practiced you are at acknowledging it and not choosing it.)

It’s funny because there are definitely plenty of times when I feel like I don’t have anything particular, useful or inspiring to write about.  Which compels me to put it off.  Yet I notice that when I just sit down and start writing about whatever is actually going on, it often turns out to be some pretty insightful stuff.

You’re like this too.  If you actually jump into the thing you’re avoiding, often times, it winds up being incredibly easier than you expected.

We can’t help that resistance shows up, we’re human.  We resist the way things are, don’t want to admit to or share it, and then get caught up in the drama of it without a lifeline.  Yet all it really takes is authenticity, recognition of ‘what is’, and ownership of it being that way to completely change the experience.

The point is that we ARE human.  Things aren’t always going to be rainbows and butterflies.  There are ups and downs to life.  But if you’re willing to ‘be with’ whatever your experience is and take responsibility for it, you can choose or create something else that’s more empowering or powerful.  The ‘ups’ suddenly start being more of the norm and the length of time you hang out in ‘downs’ gets shorter and shorter.

So, start noticing where you’re resisting whatever is going on in your life.  You have no power around it until you can fully own that YOU see things the way you do and have things going the way they are.  No one else created your experience for you (no matter what they said or did to you), YOU created it.  If you truly take full responsibility for how you think, feel and respond, then you can choose to have it go differently.  You can choose to be more compassionate, more loving and more understanding with both yourself and with others (and also with Spirit!).  Imagine what would shift in your life living from there.

Piggybacking on last weeks post, I want to talk more about being with ‘what is’.

The phenomenal power of being in the moment and accepting things as they are.

Now I’m not saying I’m an expert at this.  I’m practicing and learning.  But man is it useful and empowering.

When you start to be with what is, you stop resisting how things aren’t.  And after all, what you resist, persists.

For example, you’re on the phone and a major client decides to stop working with you, in that moment that’s what is.  In the next moment, you are just sitting there working, and that’s what is.  Instead of reacting, throwing all your energy into the upset and losing the rest of your day or week, you can be proactive and productive to create new clients or plan for whatever is next. (This takes PRACTICE.  It may take you more than 10 minutes, 3 hours or a day to get back to the present moment at first.  But keep practicing and you’ll get back to it faster and faster.)

Or say you’re on a date and you really like the person, in that moment, you’re getting to know someone and having a good time.  If you’re measuring them up against some imaginary list you’ve concocted representing the ‘perfect partner’ or losing yourself in your thoughts about whether or not you’re going to marry this person, well then you’re NOT being in the moment with what is.  Every time you notice your mind wandering from the exact current situation you’re in, bring yourself back by reminding yourself that you’re here right now.

Or maybe you had a really awful day at work.  Everything went wrong and you felt like you just couldn’t catch a break.  But now you’re at home.  Well, ‘what is’ is that you’re at home, doing whatever you’re now doing (eating dinner, watching tv, reading a book, spending time with your kids, etc).  If you sit there and stress or complain about your day, you’re now living in the past (yes, even earlier today, in fact even 1 minute ago, is now the past).  Your energy is still at work in your crappy day.  On top of that, you’re now poisoning whatever is going on in this new experience with something that has nothing to do with the present moment.  Work will be there tomorrow and it will be a new day, where you can create a new experience.  Being present in the current moment will help you do that.

Or perhaps you just had an argument with your partner or spouse (or even a friend). But now it’s over.  Yet often you’ll spend hours (for some, days) in anger and resentment before deciding to let it go or make up even though you’re not actually arguing anymore.  It’s funny because often when we have these kinds of arguments, while we’re still arguing, we’ll see the other person’s point of view, and actually get that we’re not completely right (even if they’re not completely right either).  Yet we’re SO committed to being right, that we hold on to our anger, frustration and upset and pretend they’re 100% wrong anyway (another example of resisting being with ‘what is’ since you can in fact see their perspective).  What we could do is to actually share when we see the other person’s point of view (notice that that alone will ease the tension, not just for them but for you too).  This doesn’t have to invalidate your experience or deem your feelings to be inaccurate.  But when you can be understanding of where another person is coming from, you can have compassion for them.  From there, they’ll likely be more receptive to understanding you as well.

Practice actually telling yourself what’s going on in your current reality: “Right now, in this moment, I am ‘_________’.”  For example, ‘Right now, in this moment, I am at home writing a blog entry.’  Or, ‘Right now, in this moment, I am on a date.’  Or, ‘Right now, in this moment, I am playing with my kids.’ Or, ‘Right now, in this moment, I am working on my business plan.’

The more you can be present to what is actually currently happening, the more power and peace you can have.

What’s not happening can never be what’s actually happening.

I’ve noticed recently how much energy I spend on what’s not happening.

For example, I had some friends meeting me at Sacred Center a couple weeks ago and they were 45 minutes late.  That’s halfway through the service.  And for the first half of the service, I was watching the door for them and thinking about where they were, annoyed that they weren’t there.  It was then that I first realized that I spend so much time focused on what’s isn’t happening (here it’s that they weren’t there yet) that I don’t get to enjoy whatever is going on.  The kicker is, the idea that ‘they weren’t there’, wasn’t actually happening.  In that moment, all that was happening was that I was there, listening to people sign and talk at Sacred Center.  I was completely lacking any presence whatsoever with where I currently was and wasn’t enjoying this thing that I was there for.

I’ve since started really practicing noticing when I’m stressing out about something that’s not happening.  One of the most obvious places this shows up for me is when someone is late to meet me.  I notice all my focus goes towards them being late and where they are instead of just focusing on where I am and being in the moment.  It’s true they might be late, but where they are really doesn’t have to affect me and take over my consciousness.  I can instead choose to be with what is.

I know I’ve focused on lateness here but consider this same idea is applicable in any area of life where you’re focusing on what’s not so instead of what is.

This could be when you’re sitting at home thinking about work and dreading a certain project or boss or going in general (you’re not currently at work though!).  Or when you’re on vacation thinking about all you’re going to have to deal with when you get home and making lists of what to do (not much of a vacation).  Or when you’re on a date and thinking about if this is going to go anywhere and measuring  your date up against some imaginary guidelines (you’re with someone now! Be with them).  I’m sure you can think of many more examples.

Start noticing where your energy is.  Is it in any other moment than the current one?  What would be different or available to you if you got present to where you are right now, all the time?  What if you stopped stressing out about the things that you’re assuming (or making up) are happening and just started living in the present moment?

I notice that people always seem to have some serious crazy resistance to normal well being practices related to their businesses – consistently taking vacation time off, working regular business hours (it doesn’t really matter whether they’re 9-5 or 1-9 – but regular), not working on weekends and so on and so forth.

I’ve always thought I’ve been really good about this myself.  I don’t take clients or prospects on weekends, I don’t schedule calls outside of 9:30a-6:30p and I will definitely take a few vacations a year (even if that means a staycation like it is this week).  Yet I really was just choosing not to count the email I answered here, the appointment I took the time to schedule there, the phone call I answered or returned outside my regular hours.  Even worse, I’ve known it’s important for me to take a day off for well being after using all my energy coaching for an entire weekend (leading the coach training program) and have still kept a regularly scheduled client on my Monday roster, or allowed myself to do *just one* consultation and answer emails.  I am committing to give that up and honor my time off as what it is, time to re-fuel and take care of myself.

The fact is, not holding your time off as sacred impedes on you building a strong and powerful foundation for which to operate on top of.

Most people cannot bring themselves to give their body, mind and spirit time to rest, play and rejuvenate for fear of losing business or upsetting a client or some other plausible excuse.

Yet then you’re really just trying to support your clients or business from a place of depletion.  Where your needs are not met, you’re not taken care of and you’re operating on top of a foundation filled with gaping holes and perhaps some duct tape trying to hold it all together.  Taking care of your well being builds a strong foundation for which to go generate possibility and success.  Without it, you’re trying to make a cross country journey running on fumes.

So stop lying to yourself saying you have to work more in order to build your business.  If your business is suffering it’s because you’re suffering.  And if it’s doing alright with with you overworking and overexerting yourself, consider it could be doing fantastic if you were operating as the powerhouse you could be during the specific times you designate to be working.

Start with taking back your weekends.  Then regular working hours. You’re like a rechargeable battery that you’ve currently only been giving a few minutes to recharge every times it dies, you’re then never operating at full power.  Start committing to recharging fully and just watch the difference it makes in your business.

This might speak more to those who have their own businesses than it will to those who work 9-5 in an office or at least don’t work on commissions but consider that no matter what your working situation is, there’s still a desperate need for you to be taking care of your well being consistently and reliably.  What difference do you see it could make in your life?

It’s funny – we always want our lives to be better yet we don’t want to have to be the ones to create it.

I can certainly be guilty of this myself too.  I want to be a leader yet I don’t want to have to be fully responsible for something when there’s a breakdown or something changes.  I’m happy to take something on with the expectation of it going smoothly yet don’t want to deal with the possibility of obstacles or unexpected roadblocks.

Sound familiar?

Yea, that’s pretty much normal life for most folks.

You have a goal you want, but, nevermind just the possibility of failure, you don’t want to deal with the hassle of the potential things that can and will get in your way.

The problem with this is, you never get the results you want if you don’t take the goal on in the face of your fears and the obstacles that will inevitably come up.

My most recent experience of this really has nothing to do with my personal goals but rather something I took on to support one of my communities.  I took it on, a breakdown ensued, and while I knew I had to be the one to handle it, my automatic instinct was to be irritated, frustrated and maybe even a bit insolent about it.

All of my reaction and ‘victimization’ by the situation does very little to support my community and create the result we need.  I get that the gap here this is really about full and complete ownership.  When you take something on, whether it’s your own goal or something that you took on to support another person or group, it is then yours to see through, regardless of what comes up or gets in the way.

There is always an ebb and flow in life.  Things go smoothly and then there are waves.  The distinction here, different than the ocean, is that you actually have a choice in whether you let the wave pull you under or if you choose to just ‘be with’ it and move forward and beyond it.  There’s really no use in getting dragged under by the waves because then you suffocate and cease to really live.  In the case of life, this looks like being ‘at the effect’ of what happens to you instead of ‘causing’ the life (and results) that you want.

What I got from this experience is to really just handle my reactions quicker and get back into empowered action so as to create power in the face of anything.  From this place, there will never be an obstacle that could truly hold you back.  There is abundance in the world and we inherently have the ability (and creativity) to tap into all sorts of resources and support when we choose to take ownership of everything that comes our way in life.

Chew on that for awhile and leave your thoughts below.  Where have you abdicated your commitments in the past or present?  How has that served you and what has it cost you?  How would your life be different if you chose to be ‘the one’ who can make it happen (whatever it is) all the time?

I just started reading Being Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh.  Early on in the book it says the following.  “A human being is like a television set with millions of channels. If we turn the Buddha on, we are the Buddha.  If we turn the sorrow on, we are the sorrow.  If we turn a smile on, we really are the smile. We can’t let just one channel dominate us. We have the seeds of everything in us, and we have to take the situation in hand to recover our own sovereignty.”

I loved this piece.  It really illuminates in the plainest terms that we are what we believe and we can simply choose which experiences to ‘turn on’. Yet people so frequently get sucked in to crappy programming.

People are so persistently plagued by beliefs that disempower them.  They’re not good enough, they’ll never be able to do it, they can’t afford it, they don’t deserve it, people don’t like them and so on and so forth.  Yet they’re the one ‘turning on’ (and tuning in to) that channel.

It’s human nature.  I of course do it myself as well.  For example, for the longest time I turned on the “I can’t afford it” channel.  Living out the starring role of this show I freaked out about giving myself anything and had lots of reasons and excuses to justify not doing so.  And when I did spend money anyway, I had tremendous guilt or uneasiness about it.  For example, I would go to dinner with friends and be hyper-sensitive about only paying exactly what I owed.  Talk about anal (and unpleasant)!

Then I finally started to break down this ‘story’ of mine.  First it was little by little that I started to make changes.  I’d split bills evenly at dinner and not care if I owed less.  I’d buy little things for others or donate money here and there.  Then at some point my coach encouraged me to invest in things I really wanted for myself in service of my clients being able to invest in theirselves and what they want (coaching).  After all, how could I expect them to take on what I myself wouldn’t?  I still struggled with this for a month or two still unwilling to let go and trust the universe.  Until something switched.

I read Brian Weiss’ ‘Many Lives, Many Masters’ and was fascinated by the stories of past life regressions.  When I got home I googled past life regression therapy and found that Brian Weiss was doing a workshop in Philly for $139.  I was so excited to find it and knew I had to sign up so I put my money objections aside and registered.  I posted the workshop on my twitter and later that day Rethnea contacted me to share with me that she had studied with Dr. Weiss and does past life regressions and wanted to offer me a free 3 hour session which I gratefully accepted.  (Unbeknownst to me I was the last free session she was to offer anyone as she decided to start charging for her work). Then, after completing Dr. Weiss’ workshop, we did past life work in my intuitive tool classes with Deganit.  There’s another amazing example in my post, ‘What are you bringing into your life?‘  It’s amazing what the universe provides you with when you get over yourself and surrender your BS to it.  All you have to do is give a little bit of yourself and trust that the universe will take care of you and bring you more than you could have imagined.

Now I’m creating the story of, ‘I can create anything!’

What’s one ‘story’ or belief you’re holding on to for dear life that if you took action in the face of it, might create something phenomenal in your life?  What’s just one baby step action you could take within the next week?

On a related note, I heard an awesome statistic the other day that when people sign up for a coaching program, when they simply register, they are anywhere from 20%-200% more likely to get the results they want.  If you think about it, this makes perfect sense.  What we’re actually talking about is putting some skin in the game of life.  You can look at this in other areas of life just as easily.  For example, you’re unlikely to learn a new language until you sign up for a course, or to learn salsa until you register for a dance class. You have to say yes to life before anything new can happen.

What do you really want in your life that you’ve been a constant ‘no’ to based on some circumstance?  I invite you to go take any action towards being a yes to it and watch it snowball.

Because you can’t.  You can only change yourself and your relationship to other people.  You can’t actually change them. There’s nothing wrong with them anyway.  They are however they are.  Where the power and magic to transform a relationship exists is completely within shifting your own interpretations and reactions to whatever it is they do and whoever they ‘be’.

Consider that YOU are the source of ALL of your grief, anxiety and frustration, yet you assume it is caused by another person (or circumstance, or event, etc).  All that angst is a derivative of your own beliefs and thought processes about how people or things should or shouldn’t be.  What would life be like for you if you could live outside of all the ‘should’ and ‘should nots’?  Outside of defending, justifying or blaming?  What possibility do you see that would create space for?  Who could you BE then?

I was journaling yesterday on how Spirit could guide me to focus more attentively on my relationship with myself and with others as well as various areas of life where I’m up to things (business, relationship, friendships, fitness, travel, writing).  I got two main things out of it.  One was to follow my intuition with conviction and do whatever feels right.  To move in the direction of my passions and let the universe work out the details.  The other, more relevant to this particular topic, was to accept people as they are.  I mean, REALLY accept people as they are.  To completely and totally love them for all they are and all they are not and to not wish, hope or try to change them.  After all, wishing they would change is just as destructive as trying to change them.

I also got that as a coach, bringing unconditional acceptance ‘as is’ to my stand for my clients doesn’t mean I don’t support and partner with them in creating their transformation.  After all, they’re hiring me to create the life of their dreams and get results.  It just means that they are perfectly fine wherever they are and there’s absolutely nothing wrong.  Ever.  There are just things that they want in their life that they currently don’t have, obstacles to remove from the path, and breakthroughs to create to get there.  I have always understood this, especially at the intellectual level, but this time seemed to have permeated me even more deeply than in the past, to a level that touched my soul and shifted my perspective.

Now back to you, I’m not saying that you must or should keep everyone in your life and just ‘rise above it’.  Use your own intuition.  You may find that there are some things you are unwilling to settle for which may be an indication that it is no longer serving you to keep someone in your life.  On the other hand, you may find that you’ve been being a jerk or have been instigating tension or disconnect and choose to change the way you relate to them.  Look at what is most in line with what you are committed to in your life.  Regardless of what you choose, and it is most definitely a choice, when you get present to accepting them as they are, you then are responsible for empowering your decision to continue the relationship or not and how it goes from that point on.

So look at the relationships in your life.  Really look on your side of the street at what has them going the way they are.  From a place of accepting those people completely, what is there to take on?  Apology? Forgiveness? Support? Completion? The ability to create relationships that nourish you exists within in your heart.  Let it speak to you.

“Success is moving from failure to failure without the loss of enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill

I so frequently stop or get stagnant when the stench of failure wafts into my life so as to avoid being enmeshed by it at all costs.  In actuality, this is a surefire way to avoid ever being successful.

You HAVE to fail over and over again in order to learn how to create success for yourself.  Failures provide learning and growth.  They simply reflect something that did not work and point you in the direction of what will.

Yet most of us consider them to be these big, scary, horrible experiences.  We spend so much time and energy avoiding having to deal with failure that we never even get the chance to show how naturally creative and powerful we are.

The cosmic joke is that we’re meant to develop and evolve; to expand our capacity for love, compassion, patience and generosity.  But we want all that juicy end stuff without any of the work it takes to get there.  Yet it takes work.  And that work involves lots and lots of ‘failures’.

What I see for myself is that if I truly start welcoming failures, it would diffuse some of the anxiety and significance I’ve created around the expectation I currently have of what the experience has to be.  Places where I’ve feared hearing answers I don’t want to hear, or fear that I won’t actually make a difference, will no longer be so confronting because I wouldn’t be pre-planning the lashing I’d give myself if things don’t go smoothly.  Because as I’ve mentioned before, I’m highly skilled at beating myself up.  I think if I go from failure to failure enthusiastically, it will be life-giving.  I will be able to step into absolutely anything without judgment or predisposed conceptions of how it has to go.  From that place, success is inevitable.

What would be in it for you to take on failing masterfully?  What space do you see might open up for you if your view shifted from failure as disastrous to failure as delightful?