How You Relate to Others
I notice that when I don’t relate to someone as their greatness or their highest self, when I instead see their faults or see them as their fear-based self, that it causes them to relate to me the same way. That is, they then see me as MY fear-based self instead of as the powerful and loving person I know myself capable of being.
This is because the reason I’m relating to them as their fear-based self is because I’m BEING my own fear-based self. I’m getting caught up in my own insecurities about not being good enough or needing their approval or to be liked and am then relating to them from that place.
Now, I know what I just said may have been somewhat wordy and possibly a bit confusing. The core of what I’m saying is that when you are coming from your fears or insecurities, you bring that out in others. And they then relate to you from and as those fears and insecurities.
When you are authentically coming from love and compassion, they will often come from that place as well and will relate to you that way.
Seems pretty simple right? If you always related to everyone from a place of love, you would bring that out in them as well and they would then relate to you as that. Which I’ll assert is the way you want them to relate to you anyway.
You can’t expect someone to relate to you with loving kindness if you don’t relate to them that way. (And ‘acting’ loving and compassionate as a strategy to get them to do the same, on top of your fears and insecurities, doesn’t count. It doesn’t count because it’s not an authentic expression of love if it’s still based out of fear.)
The beauty in this is that it is true not just for your partner or your friends, but for everyone. For that boss you just can’t seem to get along with, for you mother (who you love but likely don’t always relate to from love), to your neighbor who drives you nuts, whoever.
And yes, YOU are the one who has to ‘do all the work’, who has to take responsibility for your relationships. It is never another persons job to change. You lose all of the power you have to transform your relationships and your life by putting it on someone else and saying they should do it for you (or instead of you, or even that they should do it too). Love begets love. You bring it, they’ll produce it too. And even if they don’t, it won’t really matter, because who you’ll be being is love. Your experience of them will still be completely transformed.
Consider also that in relationships that have been heavily fear-based or where coming from love has been weak or absent, you will likely not get instant gratification. It may take some practice and some time. This isn’t a 100% game. You will always have fears show up here and there. But start noticing where you’re coming from with people and how it directly correlates to how they are with you.
When you start to BE the person you want to be with, whatever relationship that is for, they will start to relate to you differently, and your relationship will transform.
Tags: How you relate to others, Improving relationships, Life Coaching, Relationships
Very well said. But what you are actually talking about is the Buddhist state of “enlightenment”. You can not approach others from that state if you have not achieved it.
I disagree that you can’t approach others from that state if you haven’t achieved it.
It’s an active practice with the opportunity for choice in each new moment or situation.
Buddhists don’t reach enlightenment in an instant or by magic fairy dust either..
They practice moment by moment, day by day, reflecting on who they’re being and choosing where they will come from. And they start out the same way as everyone else. My understanding is that most of them don’t completely reach enlightenment either (not like Buddha did; or Jesus who lived by the same concepts).
But they are committed to implementing the process in their daily lives.
Peoples fear of words like enlightenment (perhaps of too much work/responsibility) creates the escape route for them to not have to try or be responsible for their experience. (It definitely sounds like a lot of WORK to reach “enlightenment”!)
So I’ve just put the concept in simpler terms. Everyone can understand that coming from love brings out love (and the best) in other people, which you then get back from that person. People can actively engage in noticing where they’re coming from and practicing choosing to come from love instead of their fears. Which drastically alters not just others experience of them, but their own experience of other people. Imagine how much happier people would be if they practiced this all the time!?
Well said Jaclyn…it’s like people are mirrors and they reflect YOU.
I agree, well said Jaclyn. You and your friends Couchsurfed with Scott and I awhile ago, and you all made quite the impression. I just checked out your site today and am very impressed. Keep up the awesomeness. Go! Go! Go!