False Beliefs
I saw this weekend that I have a lot of charge/energy around the concept of being a “shitty coach” and “not being as good as others”. If something triggers me to feel like either of those, I immediately shut down and start beating myself up for it. It goes back to a very young conversation that I’m just not good enough and don’t fit in.
I realized it’s not that any of that is at all true, or that anyone else believes that it’s true, but rather that I spend so much time trying to be NOT that, that I can’t actually get outside of it. There’s some part of me deep down that must believe it could be true because there’s significant fear of being just that.
What I saw, with the help of a couple friends/colleagues, is that if I create it as a neutral place, I can then build, grow and learn from there. For example, “Ok, so I’m a shitty coach. Now what?” or “Ok, others are better than me. Now what?”. At first I couldn’t even be with that concept. But the reason I couldn’t be with it is because I think I shouldn’t be a shitty coach or inferior, and I am masterful at beating myself up about things I think ‘shouldn’t be’.
However, I realized that if I stopped beating myself up all the time, I would have infinite more space to be with people and to make a difference with my clients. To really open my heart to others and allow it all.
What do you see for yourselves?
What are some hot buttons that trigger you to get angry or upset with yourself, that you just have a really hard time being with?
Often it’s the things that are the most charged for us that cause us to do everything in our power to not be that thing we fear. Yet then we’re imprisoned by the belief that at our core we are in fact that thing.
It’s often easier to see in other people. You almost inevitably know lots of people who beat themselves up for everything and anything possible. They believe they’re not a good enough leader, they’re not attractive enough, cool enough, smart enough, strong enough, funny enough, etc. So they do everything they can to compensate for what they imagined is wrong with them rather than be with that fear and create an opportunity to grow.
Well, you too.
What consequences do you see of living your life based on some kind of imaginary fear?
From there, what new way of being would you like to create instead? Because that is what’s possible from taking ownership of your interpretations and actions. That is where you can make a difference.
Being or feeling adequate enough in life for whatever you pursue is a fear almost everyone has. And it is a legitimate fear. However, what purpose does it really serve? If you consider that your focus is your reality, then you will most likely help create that fear come true. And any signs that make it seem that it might come true, you end up making it worse than they need to be. When in fact, failure is apart of achieving greatness.
I used to be hard on myself as well. And what I learned is that is how, like you, I help push myself and create expectations for myself to achieve. However, at what cost?
The problem with expecting too much from yourself is that when it doesn’t work out, you end beating yourself up a lot more rather than focusing on a solution to help defeat your obstacle or to find courage to get up again. So it is good to push yourself so you can grow but its also wise to be able to get back up quickly and keep going. Finding balance with your tactics to move yourself, will help one achieve their potential.
I enjoyed reading this article as you are right, one needs to accept or comes to terms with what they fear in order to know how to go beyond them.
I hope you don’t mind my input. Let me know if you do as the last the thing I want to do is sabotage your beautiful blog in anyway.
@Unblinded: Of course I don’t mind! Thanks so much for sharing yourself here! Please continue to do so.